TCB

I’ve been spending a lot of my free time and energy this week TCB (taking care of business).  It’s the intermittent push I develop to get stuff caught up.  Projects that have been bugging me for weeks (nah, months!) are finally getting done.  I’ve been finishing touch up paint – and I started painting just after the new year.  I pulled a bunch of stuff out of storage and sent it off to new homes.  I printed pictures and put them up around the house.  I organized the kitchen pantry. 

In all honesty, I’ve taken on a bit more than I can handle.  I pulled all my clothes out of the dresser, and haven’t even started organizing them.  I sorted out a junk drawer, threw out a few things, and put the rest back in disarray. 

Despite not quite making it all the way to the ideal home I’m attempting to create, I feel better.  For me, there is a big difference between having what’s visible organized, and being organized down to the depths of the boxes under my bed (I’m enough of a packrat in a small enough place – I DO keep a few things under the bed).  I’m building pride in myself and my life as I follow through on my planned workouts and as I create a home where I’d be proud to have others come visit.  TCB – it’s a new feeling to build a consistent history that I can trust – but it’s one that will take me where I want to go.

Broken Promises

 

Photo by Nesster

I remember in high school – I lied about my weight.   More than once.   I lied my freshman year when I was filling out paperwork during my volleyball tryouts.  I lied again when I applied for my driver’s license.  I’ve been lying ever since.  But, in my head, I always had a special number.  For some reason, I swore to myself that if I ever passed 200lbs – EVER – I would do everything in my power to get back under that number.  Even when I was in the 180′s it seemed impossible that I would ever be in the 200′s. 

I’ve broken the promise I made to myself then – and I’ve been living with it for years.  I had one summer when I had a super active outdoor job and got down in the 170′s.  And, a few years back, I just squeaked into the 190′s.  Since then, I’ve been well over the 200 mark.  I’ve been in the 230′s for over a year now.  And, I hate it.  I don’t fit into clothes I own.  I don’t like how I look in anything.  I had to climb the stairs today when my elevator was out – and I had to stop after 3 floors.  Yesterday I talked about how hard it was to just go to the beach and show up.

I think one of the hardest things about being so heavy is that I feel like I’m failing myself.  Every time I get on a scale and I’m not below 200 (or making remarkable progress toward getting there) I feel like I never will be.  I’ve broken a promise I made to myself about the kind of life I want to live – and I’m just letting it stay broken.  I’m not progressing towards fixing it.  It’s hard to look myself in the eye every day and know I’m unreliable… and maybe even a liar.  It’s hard to trust that the other things I promise myself are true either.

200 is in some ways a completely arbitrary number.  It’s affected by fluid weight, muscle mass, etc.  But, really, it’s about being way too heavy for my 5’7″ frame.  It’s in no way an unrealistic goal.  I’d have to lose about 15% of my current weight to get there.  And, I vividly remember that I feel so much better when I’m in that range.

So, I’m setting that as my first goal.  To just get back (and stay back) under 200 lbs.  From my last weigh in on Sunday (230) -  I have exactly 30 lbs to go.  I’ll take no prisoners.  I’m getting there – dammit.  And, the sooner the better.  Now, I have no interest in making my writing about every morsel I eat or charting my daily workouts.  I may choose to do that for myself, but I’m not interested in boring you all with that.  I’ll keep writing about the breaks in my heart that have gotten me here, and the small victories that will bring me back to the land of the living.

Tomorrow

Photo by laffy4k

One of the blogs I read regularly has little to do with fitness – though the writer admits some crossover to health and weight as well.  Recently, Trent over at The Simple Dollar wrote a post about depending on your future self to do hard work.  That’s a mistake I’ve made for a long, long time.  I’ll do a half-ass workout today, and work hard tomorrow.  I’ll eat fries today, and a salad tomorrow.  I’ll drink that Pepsi today, and water tomorrow.  I’ll have the beer with friends today, and make up for it tomorrow.  I’ll be bad today, and good tomorrow. 

What has really happened is that I’m fat today, and I’ll still be fat tomorrow.  The me of today is better at quitting or giving in than it is at doing what is best for me in the long run.  The me of today is willing to risk diabetes, heart disease, and cancer for the me of tomorrow.  That piper needs to get paid though – and the interest it takes to pay him tomorrow is crushing.  Plus, the odds that I’ll pay tomorrow – and not just let it accumulate are very, very low.

In the meantime, life is passing me by.  I’m fat, single, and less than happy.  I want more out of live, and I don’t want to feel this same loathing anymore.  Tomorrow is appealing because it gives me a clean slate.  It sets up the option to do better.  But, I have to live here and now.  I need to choose the right thing today.  I need to stay grounded and start getting serious on this journey.  I’m happy with what I’ve done so far, but I don’t want to die an early death as a fat, lonely, sad person who kept waiting for the world to change while I had the power inside of me.  Thanks Trent, for inspiring me to make a different choice today – and hopefully to keep making them…

Swagger

Photo by Illusive Photography

 

For the record:  I haven’t lost a damn pound since January.  My weight is stuck in the same stupid 5 lb range – and given my weight class – that’s not a big swing one side to the other.  But, I’m noticing changes.  As much of a struggle it is to be responsible, follow through, and work out, I’ve been noticing some changes.  These are more than the changes in my body other people are noticing. 

I had told the world at JackSh*t that I was “reclaiming my mojo.”  It’s not 100% back, but I definitely hate my body less.  I’m noticing subtle changes – a slight thinning in the waist, muscles in my forearms, more wind when I climb the flight of stairs at work, sleeping better, a small sparkle in my eye. 

I’m walking through the world with more confidence.  I’m wearing tank tops and shorts (mostly in the privacy of my home… but I’m wearing them with pride and confidence).  I feel stronger.  I’m also growing in an awareness of potentially being attractive to the people around me.  I had almost not realized that I wasn’t really looking people in the eye when I’d meet them in a hall or talk to them at the grocery store.  I’ve been hiding for a really long time, and it’s hard for me to change that. 

I’m also struggling with facing my fears.  I’m afraid that as I become attractive again I will be a target.  Either of a direct physical assault (though I’ve been lucky enough that that hasn’t been true so far), or that I will again attract a person who senses my weakness – my deep desire to be with someone – and exploits that.  I’ve done a lot of counseling over the last few years – and I don’t think I’m that woman anymore – but looking and feeling (even slightly more) attractive to men really terrifies me.  I’m trying new approaches – I’m writing in a journal, I’m here telling the world, and I’m talking it out with friends I trust.  

I love rediscovering my swagger – I’ve really missed this part of myself and I’m so glad she’s still around.  But, I also need to take time to let the rest of me feel my fear and come up with a plan to manage it if or when bad things happen.  This is a complex journey.

Follow Through

Photo by DuesXFlorida

I’m realizing I have a real issue with my follow through.  I have a LOT of trouble bringing things to completion.  It makes my ability to complete basic life maintenance VERY, VERY difficult.  I find myself making a sandwich, but not putting away the bread.  I’ll do laundry, but not fold or put away.  I’ll make a workout plan and skip out.  I’ll plan my meals and then order pizza.  I’ll make a budget and buy whatever I want.

It’s tricky to know if it’s my discipline, my awareness, or my character.  It’s frustrating to no end to keep having variations of the same problem.  It’s really at the core of my issues regarding weight.  For me, it’s not about a lack of knowledge, and not about a lack of awareness.  It’s about not finishing what I start.  I’m great at writing down my workouts for the week, but I’m not so good at showing up.  I’m good at knowing I need to cut back on beers, chips, and pop, but I’m terrible at sticking to the plan.

This journey is about learning to follow through – consistently.  Doing it once in a while isn’t going to be good enough.  I’m not this big because I forget to wipe down the counter after cooking every once in a while.  It’s because I’ve let myself skate – I make excuses and allowances and let myself off the hook.

Part of what I’m learning with all of this is to be more serious about my follow through in all parts of my life.  I’m being more conscious and more strict about finishing what I start.  I’m requiring more of myself.  I’m swinging for the fences and giving it all I’ve got.

Tantrum

Photo by Citril

So, in a move that surprised even me, I went for my run yesterday.  And, I took along my inner adolescent.  As I was plodding along on my run (still mad at myself for missing the karate classes I WANTED to be attending), I kept hearing this whining voice in my head. “I don’t wanna!” “Why do I have to do this?”  “No one else is in the gym!” “This sucks!” “This is totally unfair!”

And, the voice was right.  I didn’t want to be on the treadmill.  But, I didn’t want to be doing anything else either.  And, doing nothing wasn’t going to cut it.  I kept having to fight myself to keep going.  Every time I finished a set of intervals, part of me would claim it was “enough” and ok to stop.  As I work out more, often that horrible self punishment feeling passes and the work out starts to feel good.  Not yesterday.  And, it’s not productive to focus on my workout AND on just keeping my feet on the stupid treadmill.

I’ve developed this habit to try and combat this feeling – somewhere after the halfway through the workout I allow myself to spend a full interval complaining.  And, weirdly, that is also hard.  It’s hard to focus on all negatives (there is a voice inside me too that picks up the good things – the workouts are getting easier, people are noticing changes in my body, I’m lucky to be able to move this well, and I’m lucky to have gym access).  When I focus on complaining – I’m not able to fill 3 minutes without getting distracted or having an opposing thought. 

Keeping up with the workouts has been challenging, and it’s getting harder having to fight against the teenager in my head that thinks it’s all stupid and useless.  But, she’s only a part of me, and the rest of me wants the outcome more than I want to give into the complaining.

Brain Fail

Photo by griffithchris

I really jacked up my morning.  I’ve been dreaming of getting back to a Saturday karate class for weeks.  My schedule (and some days my lazy butt) have been preventing me.  I’m meeting friends later in the day, but I told them I’d arrive late, because I really, really, really wanted to take this class. 

I was kind of an idiot last night and I didn’t set an alarm for morning.  I try to respect my body’s need to sleep by not getting up to an alarm on my day off unless I need to.  And, since I only had to be up by 11 to get to class on time, I figured it was in the bag.  I woke up at 9!  I toyed with the idea of grabbing an extra hour or two of sleep, but figured I could get up, make snacks for the friends-thing, and head out the door by noon.  No sweat.

I started my cooking – and was missing a critical ingredient.  Alas, this was not one of the things where I could just work around it.  So, I grabbed a shower and headed to the store.  I got to the store just after 11, and somehow my misfit brain decided I could grocery shop for the first time in 2 weeks, get this thing I needed, go home and finish the food prep, and still get to class on time.  It wasn’t until I looked at my watch leaving the store and it was noon.  I can’t figure out what happened to the 3 hours between 9 and noon, or what happened to my brain in reading my watch on the way into the store.

I’m now frustrated.  It will be almost 3 weeks before I have another free Saturday to try again.  I am starting to really feel stronger and more able in my karate, and then I go and do something like this.  I’m trying to figure out if it was a total brain melt down, or if it’s the first of some subtle self-sabotage.  Historically, when I start feeling better like I have been over the past few weeks, I find a way to creep back towards unhappy and sedentary.  There are plenty of days when I chose to do the wrong thing, but this is extra frustrating because it wasn’t a conscious choice.  Grr.

I’m now working on talking myself into getting in a  run – even a short one – just to keep my forward momentum.  Wish me luck!

Slowly We Go

 

Photo by cygnus921

One of my old martial arts instructors would always start out a new learning process with the phrase “slowly we go.”  It was our cue to start modeling the new technique, series of techniques, or whatever else we were learning.  It’s been running through my head a lot the past week or so as I think about what I’m doing in my life.

SLOWLY - When learning new techniques, the expectation is not that they are performed at maximum speed, strength, or power.  Learning is a process that requires time to see how things are done and to allow the mind and body time to try to mimic the sequence.

WE – Learning in martial arts is a community activity.  The person who is learning the new routine is surrounded by people who already know the flow.  They provide anchors in all directions to allow the learner to provide guidance (in martial arts things happen at all different points on the compass – it’s not a directly forward kind of progress).  Learning takes place constantly and at all levels – everyone is always learning something new (or trying to improve something older) so it’s an environment where learning is messy – and the messiness is expected – and shared.

GO – Learning comes from doing.  It’s not expected that early attempts follow anything other than general directions or big movements. The many details get filled in later.  But, it’s not a learning that comes from sitting around talking about or thinking about what to do.  It’s learning through practice.

I’m thinking that all of those words can be applied to learning how to find myself deep inside all this fat.  It’s slow.  It’s a journey I can share with others.  And, it’s about action – not pondering.

However – the changes I’m making to my life and my world this time are SUPER SLOW.  I sometimes even feel like all the work is having no actual effect at all – despite feeling better about my density, I still feel like I should be seeing changes on the scale too (dammit!!!!).

At the same time – there is a part of my heart that deeply believes that by making my changes slowly they are going to be something I can live with.  This feels like a different journey than it has been before.  It’s not about being perfect.  It’s not about setting limits for myself in secret and then living with the guilt and shame when I eat a piece of cake at a party “because I won’t eat any sweets this month.”  It’s about taking actions.  Some days get more actions (or at least more beneficial actions) than others, but I’m showing up and working at it.

I’ve made deep cutting, strict life decisions before.  And, they work for a while, until I get back to my regularly scheduled life.  Even when I watch things like the Biggest Loser – I’m not convinced I could work out 14 hours a week – even for all that money.  I’ve cut out beers and fries before, but I just have never been able to toe the line.  But, sometimes I can get through a day without breaking down and eating fries.  That’s one day or a few hundred calories closer to goal. 

Learning to care for my body and my soul this way is allowing me time to learn and to think.  This feels like I am taking the time to search my heart and understand why I’ve been fat for so long.  I’m doing this slowly enough that my mind has some time to accept the changes in my body before they are too dramatic. 

Thank you for reading, for commenting, and for just being out there learning with me.

 Slowly we go!

Density

Photo by withonor

I’ve had a lot of people commenting on my “weight loss” lately.  It’s been pretty weird.  I’ve been holding strong in the same 5 lbs or so since the start of the year (and likely longer – that’s just how long I’ve been tracking it this time).  I’ve not been sure what to say. 

I feel kind of like a fraud taking credit for weight loss.  Thankfully, no one has yet asked how much I’ve lost.  It seems completely weird to honestly say – none.  It’s not even like I’m staying steady at the low end of that sliding weight.  I’ve been all over the range.  I feel trapped in those 5 lbs – like I can’t find my way out (with both hands and a flashlight!).   Even if I had lost (and reliably kept off the 5 lbs) it would be about 2% of my body weight.  And, each week when I get on the scale, it typically moves only 1-2 lbs per week.  No one is noticing that.

But, people are noticing something.  I’ve been sticking with my core work.  I’ve been getting to the gym more often that I’ve been slacking.   My body is changing – I can feel my muscles coming back.  I’ve been slowly building up my running.  I can do more reps when I lift weights.  At the beginning of June, I added more situps and pushups to my daily totals. 

I think what’s really happening is that I’m getting more dense.  I’m not losing weight (and it may show on the scale one day soon), but my body is changing indeed.  Muscle takes up a lot less space than fat, and I’m trading one for the other.  I’m also hitting a little bit of a stride where it’s feeling better to work out than it is to not.  It’s feeling better to eat good food than to eat junk.  Where my clothes feel good and (just a bit of) my swagger is coming back.

I’ll take density.  It’s a change for the better and an indicator of good things to come.

Going The Distance

Photo by Mike Baird

 

I’ve always wanted to be a runner – I think mostly because I want the feeling that I imagine comes with the thin, fit body and the ability to move without being aware of every ounce of my body.  I envision how perfect my life would be if only I could really be a runner – like the “I went for a short 10 mile run this morning before work” kind of runner.  In all honesty, I don’t want to run at all – I want the trappings that seem to come with the life of being a runner. 

I want that skinny girl, running in my sports bra, pony tail swinging, veggie eating, never let ‘em see you sweat, short short wearing, knowing others are looking at me kind of experience.  I’ve never had one like that.  I’m not proud of that – but it’s driven some foolish behaviors! 

I avoided running as much as possible until a few years ago.  When we were supposed to run as a pre-practice warm up, I would bribe my teammates to say we had already run.  Since I wasn’t red faced and sweating when the coaches showed up, they were probably onto us.  I tried running again a few years ago as an adult and at least it didn’t feel like punishment. 

Since then, I take up running a few times each year.  I’ve started the couch to 5K program more times than I can count.  I do okay for a while, but then I get tired of pushing.  I get tired of struggling.  I get tired of showing up and doing the work.  I started again about 3 weeks ago.  One of the things about C25K is that it lets me start with intervals.  I typically don’t start back at week one with runs of 60 seconds.  I tend to run 3 minutes, walk 2.  I go somewhere between 30 and 45 minutes depending on the day. 

I just want to acknowledge today – I ran 1 mile at 4.4 mph (treadmill, duh) without stopping.  Now, for an athlete, or someone else – this might not be a big deal.  But, I’m owning my success and I’m celebrating my desire to make changes in my life that get me closer to the life of my dreams.  As a woman near her mid 30′s I may never get to be a tiny runner girl, but I can be a woman who runs.